the above-average intelligence phenomenon
i knew i was smart. but never smart enough. i was above average. the cursed middle ground between heaven and hell.
my teachers always said 'i had potential' and with a 'little more effort' i could achieve excellence.
i've never been able to get into the top colleges in my country. (yeah i'm indian if it wasn't obvious.) i probably didn't try hard enough. i see all those posts on linkedin - folks landing jobs in FAANG/MBB companies, could I do that? i don't know. but who wants that anyway? cope.
(is this rebel in me a direct result of an overly critical father figure? a topic for therapy.)
there was a time i wanted to get really smart. oh and i did try. trying to convince myself i can cross the chasm. i can close the gap. i can reach that mystical land of genius level intellect.
now a days i don't care really. i know my limits. and i know it doesn't matter. a lot of friends smarter than me seemingly never lived up to their potential.
i'm always the dumbest guy in board games, it's like my brain shuts down. i can't play chess or solve a medium difficulty level sudoku. i can't read a moderately complex book or scientific paper. oh and i can't do mental math or spell without spell-check.
i was reading reports of young men all over the world dropping out. simply choosing to stay put. laying flat, quiet quitting, and all that. that definitely sounds tempting. and i can empathize. i sometimes want to do just that. but i cannot.
i may not be smart but i just wanna keep doing stuff. i mean i have to or i will go insane. i can't sit still and that is my superpower. you could give me a million dollars to retire on a beach and i still couldn't. the constant quest for something more. to find meaning in this seemingly random and chaotic life.
i am an existentialist at heart. it is my curse. it is the reason why i cannot settle. i've kind of come to terms with it. its a struggle sure but i do not know what else i'll be doing in life.
last night as i lay awake, my thoughts drifted into some dark places. but i realized, if nothing matters, everything does too.
and so we keep going, even with all our limitations.